Learning that your spouse has had an affair is a jarring, traumatic emotional experience. For the foreseeable future after the discovery (or your spouse’s confession), you’ll go through a deeply painful mourning period. Everything you believed about your life before this knowledge may be shattered, and you may wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust your spouse again.
Picking up the pieces after infidelity is incredibly difficult, but it can be done. The question is, can it be done if your spouse isn’t willing to dig into the why behind his or her actions?
Why We Want to Know
If you’ve been betrayed by your spouse, you’re most likely trying to figure out why they made the choice to have an affair. You’re probably asking yourself questions like:
- Why did my spouse want to cheat?
- Was I not good enough
- What does the other person have that I don’t?
- Was it something I said or did? Or something I didn’t do?
- Did my spouse feel their needs weren’t being met?
- What could we have done differently?
- How can I be sure it won’t happen again?
It might feel tempting to try to answer all these questions (and more) at once. After all, infidelity will rock your marriage to the core, and if you’ve recently learned of an affair, you’re probably trying to decide what the future has in store. Will you be able to work it out? Will you need to end the marriage? What’s going to happen?
It’s normal to want to know what to expect going forward, as much as possible. For this reason, you might be inclined to question your spouse to get to the bottom of the issue. If you can learn the reasons behind the affair, you believe, perhaps that will help you determine your next steps–especially if the two of you want to work toward saving your marriage.
Learning the reasons behind an affair can also be a powerful form of closure. Perhaps you feel like you can’t forgive completely or move forward unless you’ve gotten all the answers from your spouse. But often, spouses who have been unfaithful don’t want to dwell on details of an affair, much less get to the bottom of the reasons why it happened.
If your spouse is holding back or avoiding conversation about the affair, it can create tremendous anxiety for you. Shouldn’t your spouse be willing to open up and answer all your questions? After all, he or she is the one who’s in the wrong…right?
Why Your Spouse Won’t Dig Deeper
When infidelity has occurred, spouses who have committed adultery often aren’t very articulate about what has happened, and don’t have a deep sense of understanding about the internal factors that drove their decisions to engage in the affair. If your spouse is avoiding these conversations, it’s likely he or she lacks insight into the “whys.”
Another motivation he or she might have is shame regarding the series of decisions that led up to this situation. Your spouse isn’t proud of what has happened, and it’s not something they want to repeat. At this point, they’re so bogged down by the shame of what they’ve done that they have a deep desire to move forward rather than wallowing in the past. Answering questions dredges up emotions, mental images, and more questions that your spouse probably doesn’t want to deal with over and over again.
The future seems very, very bright compared to what you’re going through right now. Your spouse is craving that brighter future, away from the dark season you’re in.
All these factors can compel your spouse not to look deeper into the situation at all; they just want to move forward and put all this behind you. The problem is, you might be left feeling like you’re in the dark.
Moving Forward Together
Can you and your husband or wife move forward without dissecting the reasons behind an affair? Absolutely. But only the two of you can determine whether this path is the best for you. Healing from infidelity is very tough, no matter how you and your spouse choose to approach it.
What matters most is where you’re headed as a couple, not necessarily understanding everything about the past. You can choose to put it behind you and move forward without digging into the details, but it won’t be easy. (Bear in mind that, after an affair, every path to recovery is difficult in its own way–and the answers are different for each couple.)
While it may be possible to heal and move forward without delving into all the reasons behind an affair, keep in mind that lack of open communication can make it more difficult to reestablish trust. If you feel that your spouse’s avoidance of the topic indicates a desire to hide the truth (whether that’s their motivation or not), that’s likely to raise your suspicions and feed resentment.
If you don’t have an open license to discuss how you’re feeling with your spouse or ask him or her questions about what has happened–and have them honestly answer–trust may not be reestablished in your relationship. Infidelity wreaks havoc on the emotions of the injured spouse, and one important avenue to healing is the ability to freely express how you’re feeling and ask questions. This is not to drag your spouse through the mud over what he or she has done, but rather to reach forgiveness and the closure we talked about earlier.
Agreeing together on a commitment to openness will allow your communication to flow more freely. This is key to healing from the affair that has hurt your marriage so deeply. If you are unable to reach this agreement at first, take heart in knowing that it is possible to move forward regardless. But we strongly recommend finding a way to open those lines of communication between the two of you (seeking out a professional counselor can help you to do this).
Have you and your spouse healed from infidelity? Did you talk about everything, or leave it all in the past? Leave a comment below and let us know.
I don’t think marriages can ever fully recover from infidelity. My spouse had multiple affairs and I learned of them all at once about 5 years ago. My feelings toward him haven’t been the same since and I stayed in the marriage for the sake of the children. I never trust him anymore and I’ve moved from feelings of concern about his whereabouts to feelings of indifference. Our marriage was ruined forever. I have put up so many walls because of his cheating and will not share my feeling with him at all now. That hurt, betrayal and dishonesty was tragic and the emotional toll it took on me was like grieving. It was death. The person I thought I knew at the time died, instantly. I was suddenly married to a complete stranger. I still am. It’s sad and I wouldn’t wish the problems of infedility on anyone.
Samantha, I am very sorry for your pain. However, I do believe a marriage can recover from this. My wife and I got divorced 4 years after we got married because of my unfaithfulness. By the grace of God, we were able to remarry 3 years later. This September we will celebrate 9 years of marriage since then. I also go to church with a couple who was divorced for 8 years and have been remarried for over 30 years (all to the same person, just to be clear). I know you’re still married and I am sure, it’s very difficult, however, I believe there is hope.
I just read your article and I am in tears. I read this and realize I have developed a form of PTSD from from husband’s affair. I am being triggered by the one year anniversary of the day my life fell apart. I found out about his six month affair when my son was a week old. His affair was during most of my very high risk pregnancy. The lies. The grief. The pain and now confliction is an awful heavy weight on my heart. We had been married ten years when I learned of the affair. Only to also learn he got her pregnant as well but she had an abortion. I can’t find it in myself to forgive him or her. I have never met her before in my life and somehow I feel I don’t have closure even with her as I envision her as like a mythical creature like a rare unicorn or mermaid. I feel trapped. Fear of leaving I worry he will kill himself. Fear of staying as it goes against everything I believe in. I feel I deserve better but am afraid to ruin the life my three year old and now one year old have. I have triggers daily that I don’t know how to deal with. My son’s birth now is nothing more than a painful reminder of the darkest days I have ever faced. I am feeling so lost, torn and confused. I am afraid to go to counseling due to his and mines occupations. But deep down I know I will never be the same person. My heart is broken and my mind is constantly rampid. My whole situation feels like an storyline to a Hollywood movie that is my reality and my nightmare. I don’t know what to do.
Samantha,
I found out in one day that my husband had 3 long term affairs during our 27 yeats of marriage. I never suspected a thing. People said that we had a good marriage. The blow of that news devastated me. I felt that my entire life had been a lie. The pain & hurt is unbearable. If it had not been for my faith in God & His working in our lives we would not be together today. We sought biblical christian counseling and also completed EMSO online through Affair Recovery a christian based website. The course helped us to sort through and address issues in our marriage that needed to be addressed. We talked about everything. My husband was very repentent & open & honest about everything. He “got it” & understood what he had done to me & our marriage We both had to work through the painful path to recovery which for us has been about 1-1/2 years. Last year was the most painful but also best year of our marriage as we worked towards restoring our love & our marriage allowing God to work in our hearts to achieve that. God can fix & heal broken hearts. We give Him all the glory for restoring our marriage. There is hope through Christ Jesus!
Im not sure if your husband is iwanting to restore yourarriage but I found I had to be willing to be vulnerable to be open to do whatever it takes to restore. If you are both willing to be open & honest & work at it, God will restore. Praying for you & your husband.
I completely understand why you feel the way you do and my heart breaks for you.
I also know that Jesus is their to not only patch the wounds, but to give you both a better marriage than you’ve ever had! That’s who He is.
I would encourage you both to lay your heart, will and emotions at the cross and allow your life and troubled marriage be a testimony to others when you recklessly abandon yourself to the will of the Father❤
I was in a 16 year relationship without one issue ever from my partner and all of the sudden one day everything began to change. He started sleeping on the sofa in our room opposite direction of tv so I couldn’t see his phone screen. He said he wanted to seperate and it all started in mother’s day after my children were alienated from me by my ex husband in the most evil ways. He was taking a home care aid training course for three weekends in may last year. It was exactly aftet the course began he slowly became this way. I knew he was cheating g deep down! I begged for him to answer me wgat he was doing he swore mouthing I lived him I believed him lone a moron! After 16 years why wouldn’t I? I had a feeling to look up his name one day abs look to see if he’s on dating sites on June 20th I opened up match and zoosk there he was!!! I started shushing, ran outside almost passed out and couldn’t even breath! I stood there sobbing saying no please no no! But out was not going away. I confronted him but it was just another attack he was single all the sudden. He madder excuses end to my son he raised who’s 17 that it was all a game to get me to trust him. He lied so badly said he loved me I was devastated. I felt this feeling of death yoy speak of. I thought that my old luge was dead right then. He never fessed the truth he lied over and over and with Every new discovery i felt my heart die more add more the were several women he was speaking to another at the class he asked on a date 3 times and thank God he was denied. I am lost still now he wants to be together acts like he loves me wards it all to go away but everyday i cry still feel lost alone and scared. No one has ever made me feel so lost and hurt. I get your death theory yoy die insider they become dead to you. Sad but true.
I agree with you completely. I have been and now again just discovered yet another unbearable infidelity after I don’t 8 years of not aware of other affairs. A history since the beginning of our marriage. The complexities of love, deep remorse, therapy, children, family everything. I feel destroyed right now, years to overcome and forgive and be happy to now discover this, it’s like you just want to die. Too painful to handle and deal with the painful reality.
Wow, Samantha. You hit the nail on the head. I exposed my wife’s 2-year emotional affair more than 3 years ago and — like you said — the person I thought I knew died instantly. 20-plus years of marriage and so many individual and marital counseling sessions later and we still have no connection. She has disconnected emotionally, spiritually and physically and I am left to deal with the pain she has caused. It has shattered my world and, as the years progress, I see no signs of her even trying to reconnect. We still have one high school child left at home. After he leaves, I really have no idea exactly what I want to do. But at this point, my marriage is toxic and not loving, caring or empathetic in any way.
How can someone who claims to be committed entering marriage, claims to be a Christian, claims that she at one time loved me, become so devastatingly hurtful and then not even have enough compassion to try to pick up the pieces of my heart that she shattered into a trillion bits? It is inhumane, to say the least.
Im so sorry you feel this way – and I understand because I do too. Without the connection your marriage is a wasteland. There are ways to connect, but you both have to want to. All I can suggest is that counselling helps you both learn whether you want to connect again first. If you dont, then counselling can help you accept that there’s only one realistically healthy option left.
Thank you so much for this article. My husband and I are trying to recover from an emotional affair that he had with another woman one year ago after many years of pornography addiction, deceit, and lies. Fortunately, he was saved during the process and I am so glad for his eternal salvation. But I am still devastated and think about it daily. I was on my hands and knees crying and praying this morning. Sometimes the hurt just feels more than I can bear. I am afraid to give him my heart again because I just don’t think that I can handle another blow like this. I trusted him with my heart and he abused it terribly.
We are in counseling, both pray and study the Word together and alone, go on dates, try to love each other according to the other person’s “love languages,” and try to be selfless rather than selfish in our marriage. I would love to hear from marriages who have recovered. It is so, so difficult.
It’s been 27 years since my husband’s infidelity and the Lord has been faithful. Needless to say, the pain was unbearable, but the Lord carried me and spoke gently to me. The first whisper to me from the Holy Spitit was a question, “do you love him (referring to my husband)? Initially I could only answer with a heavy sigh until He asked a third time and I responded, “yes.” From that time forward the Lord promised that he would do a new thing (Isaiah 43:18-19). The Lord relocated us to a new state and we struggled through the pain together with the Lord as the three-fold cord that brought healing and newness of life to our relationship. I had to position myself to hear and to obey God’s voice and to ignore my flesh that cried out for revenge. God kept me and covered me more than I realized at that time. It was difficult to shut out the worldly counsel and the other voices. I look back and marvel at His amazing grace and mercy.
Hi Gloria, did you find that moving to a different state helped with the healing? We have been in the same house since it happened 5 years ago and I am waiting on God to open a door for us to leave. I am still struggling because I feel like every where I look I am reminded of the places my husband and the other girl would go.
I just went through this as a believer as well. Still feel so much pain inside. My husband was looking at pornography our entire relationship 16 years and asked another woman out at a training course 3 times and I caught him in dating sites talking texting other women. Not one time in almost 20 years did he do this to me and claims it was because I was mean to him her entered to show me he could get anther woman. Very much a lie to not own it I think. He knew better as we were in church together, etc. I still can’t believe this all. I hear forgive him he didn’t actually cheat. I feel he did! I pray this pain goes away and we can move forward I just am not sure. I will pray for your marriage. Listen to Jimmy Evans on YouTube.
I learned of my husband’s long time affair 4 years after it had ended. It was painful and earth shattering to say the least. My word for the year in 2014 was obedience. My scripture was 2 Corinthians 12:9. I was alone when I found the letter he had written to her towards the end of the affair. He was asking for more time so he could leave me and be with her. I was devastated. Infidelity was the one thing that I told him I couldn’t forgive. Funny thing about that is God had other plans. Before I even confirmed the letter God asked me to forgive. There’s a very funny story there but I won’t go into that here. I didn’t want to but in obedience I did. Then God asked me to restore intimacy. Another funny story but suffice to say I was obedient there as well.
Here’s the deal. God knows what he is doing. In the moment I restored intimacy and made love to my husband after learning of his infidelity, he learned the concept of unconditional love. He had been loved by me this was our entire marriage but he didn’t understand it until that moment. Despite accepting Christ in 1994, God hadn’t truly gotten into his heart… Until that moment.
Out of his affair has coming tremendous healing. We are approaching 3 years of restoration. We went public with the affair immediately. Taking the darkness into the light. We became certified marriage mentors, started a Lifegroup for hurting marriages and watched God bring multiple couples back from the brink of divorce.
In the beginning, there were lots of questions. My husband answered each one carefully despite the pain it caused him. Those years were a dark time in our marriage but one thing remained constant. My relationship with God was strong and I sought him to comfort my heart when my best friend seemed to be somewhere else emotionally.
Rich will still answer questions if I have them. We still discuss his affair when it seems necessary. Our healing was done at lightning speed because God had work for us to do.
I have found that even the thing I didn’t think I could forgive has become a blessing in my marriage. My husband loves me unconditionally for the first time in our marriage.
Linda, I am so moved by your testimony. As a Christian counselor in private practice I am seeing my share of couples dealing with infidelity. Your willingness to be obedient despite the pain, despite the flesh and despite what the world expects is inspiring. God DOES work all things together for good, for those who love him, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28). Thank you for sharing your heart here. The Lord is clearly not done with your marriage 😊. God’s blessings to you and your husband.
Linda, your story is very similar to mine. God has worked in our hearts through the most painful time of our lives as we also walked through infidelity. God restored our marriage completely. My husband & I both desire to help other couples who are struggling with infidelity as there is hope through Christ Jesus. Could you please share with me what program you went through to become certified mentors? We have a life group but are looking for good biblically based teaching material.
Linda, you are so incredibly lucky to have a restored relationship. My wife and I are both Christians and when she had a 2-year emotional affair with the married youth pastor at our church, it rocked my world to the foundation. We spent more than 2 years in individual and marital Christian counseling, but it really didn’t do much. Then, this past summer, decided — after 3 years since I exposed her affair — to move 2500 miles cross country away from all friends and family to try and start anew.
So far, it has been anything but reconnection. She still remains as disconnected from me as she was when she was having the affair. She refuses to hold hands, snuggle, kiss and very seldom gives me a quick side hug (my love language is Physical Touch, so this shatters my soul daily that she remains distant). We have 3 children, whom she lavishes with physical love and says “I love you” to them and never to me. Not sure what to do but, even though we are both Christians, our vows are empty and we are nothing more than roommates in this awful marriage of 24-plus years.
Just pray to God every day that something will change. I would like to rekindle the flames of love, passion, adventure and excitement again, but it take two to tango and I’ve been dancing solo for the past 5-plus years in this marriage.
I had an emotional affair with about 5 different men 10 years ago. I had stopped asking for my needs to be met as I had for the 25 years prior to that. My husband found out the week before I was planning to leave. Right away he asked why and I told him I really didn’t think he would even notice if I was gone. That was the place we were at. Our children were in their twenties and I really didn’t even see him physically and when I did, he wasn’t with me either. We talked and talked and talked. I did not want to talk about it, but I was so sorry that I had hurt him. However, that did not stop me from having internet and phone conversations quite pornographic and wrong. I asked him if he was going to leave and he said he didn’t know. The next week I saw a counsellor and we started reading the book “Love Talk” by the Parrots together. We did the assessment and set a once a week date night where we could only focus on each other. I found out we were losing our multi-million dollar business and the economy was getting increasingly worse in the home improvement market. We then read the book together, “The Time Starved Marriage”. We ended up having to declare bankruptcy and lost the business and my husband worked 5 jobs for 6 years, but WE were finally on the same page. We learned how to communicate and how to use our finances wisely and most of all I feel like the most spoiled woman on this planet. He loves me so much and I love him endlessly. It wasn’t easy, it was very hard and we just talked last week about “How did we even get to this point, it is so good”. We both committed to God and to each other and I opened up my internet, phone, anything he asked or wanted he could see at any time. If he called and asked where I was, I answered and told him. It took a good 4 years to build trust back, but we really are a good team now and my advice would be to take each day at a time. Some days are harder than others, work on your own personal relationship with God and talk and fix what was wrong before. We have been married 35 years May 1 and I have to say the last 5 have been the best. We have also been a more effective team for Christ together rather than the individual ministries we were involved in before.
Tina, I desire so much to have a relationship blossom again like yours. My wife, too, had an emotional affair and it devastated me. We went to counseling and talked and talked and talked for the past 3 years, but she is nowhere near reconnected. So I just plow through the pain and sorrow on a daily basis wondering there will ever be softening of our hearts and a recommitment to our marriage. While I pray for this daily, my wife makes no attempt to truly reconnect with me. Just praying and asking God which direction I should take from here.
My husband had an affair with a woman at his workplace. This affair lasted approx 3 years. One day he came to home just to tell me he was unfaithful & that he was leaving me for her. I was devastated. My husband returned after a month and wanted to reconcile. God had put it into my heart to forgive him, so I did. We started seeing a professional Christian counselor & dove into the will of God for our lives. It has been about a year now that we have been reconciled & God has met our very needy showing us how to deal with these situations when they arise. He has given me the forgiveness that only he can provide. He has shown me that:
Ephesians 6:12 English Standard Version (ESV)
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, over the present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
I know my God is greater than anything I can do on my own & God tells us in Philippians 4:13 says, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” so I will trust in him with all my might & all my strength & know that he will not lead me astray. I suggest that anyone that is dealing with infidelity will only be able to get through it successfully & fully by surrendering there will to our almighty father & allow him to move in you & prat that he moves in your spouse to completely heal you both & your marriage. It really is worth It. And if there is something that is preventing your spouse from repenting & God knows it won’t work, he will also let you know that too, you just need to put your trust in Him.
If a spouse cannot be open and honest, there will no longer be 100% trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Period.
I truly believe that too. I also believe in miracles. With my husband its questionable
I recently found out my husband was using escorts. Through a ministry called Pure Desire and tuff stuff ministries we are on a road to healing. I encourage anyone who has had infidelity in their marriage to use this ministry. Betrayal and beyond is for the women. It has been my saving grace. Brains can be healed.
I was married for 22 years to my now ex-husband. He cheated on me 4 years before I left. I did forgive him. I still do and pray for him frequently. The damage done was great given the circumstances of the entire affair he had. I no longer had any trust in him and my heart was shattered. We went to marriage counseling, talked about all of our problems, and tried to work it out and put it behind us. Nothing worked. There was no honesty and no trust left. He still continued to lie to me. All the romantic love I had for him died. I am not angry with him nor do I harbor any resentment. I know that I tried everything I could think of to try to heal our marriage. I included God in the whole process. The fact that he continued to be dishonest with me and stayed away from me didn’t make it easy. When I broke my arm in two places he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me when I needed it. That was it. I was spinning my wheels and felt so lonely and abandoned. There was nothing left to save. Divorce was the best option in that specific situation. I applaud any couple that are able to work through and heal from the damage an affair has. May God bless your marriages to be better than it was before.
I am the adulterer in my marriage. I am a male and I disagree that a marriage can take a path to healing without delving into the reasons the adulterer commited the sin. The wounds of the perpetrator must be rooted out and healed. Acting out is a coping mechanism typically learned at an early age to deal with wounds and trauma. If not addressed, history is doomed to be repeated.
The spouse has no responsibility for an adulterer’s choice to sin against her. It isn’t her fault. Many of the questions listed above from a victim’s perspective, while normal, are not healthy or productive because they are spouse or relationship based which intimates the problem was the spouse or the relationship.
Recently I heard a panel of women whose husband’s had broken their wedding vows say, “The fruits of recovery are: openness, brokenness, willingness and humility”. Also necessary is a therapist led full disclosure and a polygraph.
The last paragraph….can you expound? Are you favorable to the panel’s ” fruits of recovery” and the therapist led full disclosure & polygraph? Would you say healthy and unhealthy marriages can have a partner acting out in secret, due to unresolved coping mechanisms learned in early years? I’ve always thought acting out in any form happens in unhealthy marriages. My coping mechanism from childhood to feeling violated has been anger. My husband says he can’t blame me for his acting out, but will occasionally throw in my anger is what has wounded him, causing resentment towards me…which in turn causing him to act out. So in essence he is blaming me.
Thanks Jeff.
While I do believe in divine inter intervention and miracles from God….we have a very real enemy too. That enemy’s greatest weapon against us is deception.
When my wife choose full blown adultery to medicate pain rot him her I ran through those questions listed in this article…..I was just so sure I caused her to cheat.
Nope.
Full blown adultery was not a single, stand alone bad choice…..it was a fruit long in the making.
Through Christian therapy combined with and ever present living God we uncovered a PATTERN of living that she developed in childhood that eventually included adultery.
The basis for this pattern was to AVOID pain (conflict) and NUMB it when she still subconsciously felt it (buried feelings still have a hold on you).
We ARE reconciling….God, full access to electronic devices, and many other systems are in place to grow trust. But this would never be possible if we adopted a “phew….glad that’s over. ” attitude.
Root causes matter.
You dig out just the specific sin (fruit)…you’ll leave the root that grew it.
We see MANY flags in our pre-affair marriage NOW. Us missing them point to how emotionally immature we both were.
Yeah…..therapy opened MY eyes to bad roots in MY life too. I hurt my wife in my pre-affair marriage (largely subconsciously) and she did the same. It’s how we deal with the pain that we would do well to understand.
It was the way in which my wife dealt with (avoided) reality that lead her to adultery. The journey to WHY she patterned her life as she had has been a HUGE growth opportunity.
And most growth IS painful.
Please……betrayed spouses…..examine the way YOU reacted to your D-Day. It is quite telling of the work needed within your heart. It’s at that point I KNEW I needed to invite God into my heart and ask him to restore it. I need God to give me the courage to do this…..’cause I found many footholds of our enemy within me. And it was dark.
We are 4.5 years past D-Day. The first 1.5 years were horrific…..zero remorse, wife desperately holding into all sorts of lies about what he was, who I am, how our 5 & 7 year old girls are being affected, etc.
Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction used by our enemy to destroy families. But only the cheating spouse can invite God to it and disarm it…..and that, in my experience as we share our story, is a rare wayward spouse who can honestly do that within the first year post D-Day.
Infidelity – does the root cause matter? Yes! Definitely! Every heart of a problem is a problem of the heart. Heart work needs to be done if the marriage will thrive or survive. This requires radical honesty with each other and yourself. The best relationships are two people who both know who they are in Christ and live that out in their relationships. The result will be God honoring thoughts, attitudes and behaviors.
I think it is important to remember we are all sinners saved by grace. It was important to me to remember that we are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We break his heart daily, and he forgives daily. The Bible doesn’t say life is going to be easy or fair, but there is a promise that you will not be tempted with more you can bear and that through trials we will be complete and lacking in nothing…through faith and perseverance we can be healed and made whole.
I believe we are called to be selfless and servants, as Jesus was…who laid down his blameless life, so we sinners will have life everlasting. There is hope. There is healing, there is opportunity for an incredible future…if you choose it. The hurt goes away. Healing takes time. You will survive and be blessed.
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Pushed to the edge, I filed for divorce in 2015 after 37 years married yet to be finalized since the last court date on April 23, 2018, in the 43rd year. I spent 90k during this whole process!!! As a 17 year brain tumor survivor with Short Term Memory Loss able to remember as far back as 2 years old, I can remember many of my husband’s affairs, flirtations, and hurtful indescretions at work with co-workers, parties, social gatherings, concerts, with the waitresses on restaurant dates , church members, and all other events before, during and after my brain surgery! I left 15 or 16 times coming back because it didn’t work out for one reason or another or was too expensive such as a hotel. I even booked a flight out of state for 8 months! He has NEVER admitted to any cheating, or wrongdoing and have told family and friends I left because I was unstable and was due to the brain surgery! And tells everyone, “I’ve been nothing but good to her!” Needless to say, the longlasting turmoil has greatly devasted the lives of our children, stuck in the middle, who love their father very much, as well as shaken the lives of our grandchildren, friends and families. As I’ve heard and read many stories of infidelity within many marriages all of these years and how couples work to repair their marriages, I have yet to relate as I never hear of any admittance from my husband who consistently denies any wrongdoing nor has he demonstrated any honest efforts necessary for reconciliation, such as read the recommended books by one marriage therapist when he finally agreed to counseling to get me back home on January 6, 2010 where I stayed at my mother’s.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It happened to me too. Please take care of yourself.
my husband and I have been married 26 yrs.through ups downs &in betweens.in 09 my husband was pronounced brain brain dead in a coma,brain herniation due to meningitis. against dr.insistance,and his n my family saying end life support. I refused I could not give up on him.19 days later his eyes opened.3 days later he extabated himself.i had to teach him ow to walk talk eat shower, everything. his brain age,the way the dr.put it is hes 7 to 14 yrs old mentally. but I’m so happy he survived,GLORY to God but I found myself being his caregiver,rather than wife.our sex life has beennearly nonexistent.since then.I’m ashamed as a Christian woman to admit this but I found myself having deep intense sexual conversations with a man I’ve known for a few years.well that turned into planning a nite together and i followed through , I spent the night w this guy ,doing all of the things i had been aching to do with my husband. in a wierd way i wanted to get it out of my system,knowing it was wrong .wishing it were my husband that night not able to get enough of me ,like he use to before the brain damage .well somehow he found out.asked if i was leaving him for the other guy.whichwould never happen. in fact after returned home,all I could think was how blessed I am to have my husband.i don’t want to talk about it I feel like if i tell him hey it was meaningless sex, and actually made me cherish my marraige and my husband more than ever.my husband says his heart is broken things will never be the same but he isn’t leaving me because he loves me.,(I have bone marrow failure),I don’t want him to stay with me out of pity. and i don’t think that’s why he said he wants to stay together. but how can i mend his heart. and am I wrong in thinking he beats a small amount of responsibility in this by withholding affection and sex? does that matter,or am I looking to lesson the fault on me by making him share responsibly for his lack of interest in the bedroom.how long will he throw this awful mistake in my face … i truley wish i could go back in time and never let myself take leave if my morals.but that’s not possible. I feel like a p.o.s
You’ve got great insights about the Article, Thanks and keep up the good work!
To start with, it is critical to adopt a fair strategy to distinguishing the reasons why the infidelity happened in any case.
So as to address the subject of to what extent affairs last, it’s imperative to see how individuals cheat, the ramifications of various sorts of affairs, and why con artists start affairs in any case.
I would like to thank you for the efforts you’ve put in writing this blog.
My husband cheated on me with his boyfriend, and I don’t think I’ll ever move on from this. I agree with you that cheating spouses like him prefer to move forward and leave everything behind because that’s what my husband is doing, but I am not yet ready. Maybe it’ll be best for us to hire a counseling service that can help us recover from his infidelity.